Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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