I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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