it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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