Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I had to cum in my sink.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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