you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
