someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
