I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
We need to get me chipped asap
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
