I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
