Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
