I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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