wanna go halves on a baby?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
