You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
