his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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