hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
