his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
