Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
