I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
