he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
