dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
