Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
