Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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