my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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