Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
