Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
