exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
