His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
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