Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
