I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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