my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
