well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
