two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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