She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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