she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
