We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
two words...techno handjob
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
