i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
