DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
