Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
