My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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