Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
