I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
