evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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