brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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