Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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