You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
