My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
