she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
