The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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