Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
