Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
