The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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